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  • Failure that needs help! Can’t do this anymore

    I’ve been on about 80mg OxyContin daily for 3 years. I detoxed in March and lasted 22 days. I hate myself and this disease. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. Tired of waking to take a pill. I only do it to calm the withdrawals. I have 2 kids that need me. I’m divorced and alone. No one knows. I’m scared to withdrawal again. Please help even if kind words.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Kl372019 View Post
    I’ve been on about 80mg OxyContin daily for 3 years. I detoxed in March and lasted 22 days. I hate myself and this disease. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. Tired of waking to take a pill. I only do it to calm the withdrawals. I have 2 kids that need me. I’m divorced and alone. No one knows. I’m scared to withdrawal again. Please help even if kind words.
    K13-

    YES your kids need you! There are several options to you and you need to figure out which works best for you and your children.You are taking the first step and asking for help.This is not easy but the forum here is very good start and will support you, the key is to follow a plan.
    I am also a single Mom who has dealt with this over 10 yrs. Early on I choose Suboxone yet my doctor was very uneducated about the drug and kept me on a high dose for too long. It was a life saver but, can also be addictive. The key is to taper and quit as soon as you have things under control
    You can always taper down from Oxy too, and again that takes a plan and support, you cannot do this totally alone. As you stated you have already tried that once and relapsed. For that reason I suggest Joining NA or AA group for support, taking responsibility for your actions and really wanting to be drug free will get you through this because the alternative is not an option, only you can make this happen.
    I know your situation too well and you can do this, if not for yourself , for your kids! Good luck, my prayers are with you and your kids!

    Comment


    • #3
      Hi k
      Welcome to the forum. You're not alone even if you feel like it and even bc no one IRL knows. There's a few active members that post regularly that hv come off oxy. A few cold turkey n some with the help of subs. I understand your fear of WD. we all do. Most of us stay stuck due to that fear of WD. What's ur plan? Cold turkey? Do u hv subs? Do u hv access to any comfort meds? Do u know why after 22 days, you went back to oxy? If u hv an idea of possible triggers then maybe it'll be different this time. I wish u the best. This is not easy but it is possible. Keep us updated.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thank you both the replies. I just started crying knowing someone else knows now.
        I don’t have access to anything like subs. I honestly don’t even know what that is. I have clonazapam I rake for anxiety as needed. I truly don’t abuse those. I don’t even feel the script most times.
        I love my kids so much and I feel so weak for not being able to do this again.
        I was triggered last time by my ex and no energy. I have to do everything from getting them to school, work, laundry etc. I was so tired. Then his verbal abuse sealed it. I remember how nice it was not having to take the pills. Having to remember to not forget them at home. I so mad I messed that up.

        Last time I went CT and it was hell but I survived. This time I thought I would try tapering. I have 60-30’s. I’ve never taken a full 30, only 15mg at a time. So I thought maybe I’d split that in half. I dunno. Part of me just wants to CT it again and her over it.
        I’m just alone already. I will look for NA now. Will they take my kids bx I’m going? I can’t have that. I taken great care of them, I just can’t shake this OXy stemming from a back injury. I’d die without my kids.

        Comment


        • #5
          Hello and welcome to the forum KI!

          I was also taking about as much oxy as you are, and i could never taper to a lower dose, always had to cold turkey.. i didnt have the willpower and didnt like to experience withdrawal while tapering so i just ripped the bandaid off and did it all at once.. you have a big script tho so if you can taper down to a smaller dose for a week or two it would certainly help your detox be easier.

          No you cannot get in trouble for NA/AA. It is supposed to be completely anonymous and it sounds like you have a script for your painkillers? That would mean you REALLY cant get in any sort of trouble stemming from seeking help.

          About the 3-4 week mark is when people start to notice their energy and sleep bouncing back.. if you can make it another 22 days and this time have the support of meetings and our little group here on these forums then i think the sobriety can last!

          If you usually take 15mg at a time, then try cutting back one dose at a time. If you take 15mg x 5-6 times a day - just cut one of those doses every week. Someone may come along with a better taper plan but thats what i would try based off the little info you gave on your dosing..

          Good luck and stay positive! You have to WANT to be clean, to kick this habit. I believe in you!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Kl372019 View Post
            Thank you both the replies. I just started crying knowing someone else knows now.
            I don’t have access to anything like subs. I honestly don’t even know what that is. I have clonazapam I rake for anxiety as needed. I truly don’t abuse those. I don’t even feel the script most times.
            I love my kids so much and I feel so weak for not being able to do this again.
            I was triggered last time by my ex and no energy. I have to do everything from getting them to school, work, laundry etc. I was so tired. Then his verbal abuse sealed it. I remember how nice it was not having to take the pills. Having to remember to not forget them at home. I so mad I messed that up.

            Last time I went CT and it was hell but I survived. This time I thought I would try tapering. I have 60-30’s. I’ve never taken a full 30, only 15mg at a time. So I thought maybe I’d split that in half. I dunno. Part of me just wants to CT it again and her over it.
            I’m just alone already. I will look for NA now. Will they take my kids bx I’m going? I can’t have that. I taken great care of them, I just can’t shake this OXy stemming from a back injury. I’d die without my kids.
            K13
            I am not a big advocate of Suboxone but it did get me off prescription painkillers, my problem now is to get off of Suboxone because I should have gotten off them a long time ago.
            You can go online and find a Suboxone Doctor near you, but do your research and come up with a plan so this doesn’t become your next Drug of Choice.. Plus you must be in withdrawal when you start Suboxone or it will back-fire on you.
            Your Doctor will keep your confidentiality, your situation is more common than you know. If he is any good he will work with you towards being clean.

            Comment


            • #7
              Okay. I was really worried about the NA problem the first time. Yes, I do have a script.
              So. Should I start now or wait?
              As for doses. I cut the 30’s and take half anywhere from every 4-6 hours. I want to go cold turkey but I didn’t do much studying CT and it was horrible. I wanted to quit but it was like I’ve always gone 2 days, keep going.
              My next opportunity to go CT would be next Friday. Kids are home from school and no work.
              I also found an NA at a local church. We live in such a small town I’m sure I’ll run into someone but I’m ready to be free. Free!!!! How do I tell my doctor I betrayed his trust and abused my meds?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Kl372019 View Post
                I’ve been on about 80mg OxyContin daily for 3 years. I detoxed in March and lasted 22 days. I hate myself and this disease. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. Tired of waking to take a pill. I only do it to calm the withdrawals. I have 2 kids that need me. I’m divorced and alone. No one knows. I’m scared to withdrawal again. Please help even if kind words.

                Welcome to the forum. You said you are taking oxycontin? If you are taking the 30mg tabs (blues) then those are oxycodone, not oxycontin! I know some of the other members mentioned suboxone (subs). Subs are a great tool if used properly but in your case subs are not for you at this point in time! Subs should be used as a last resort option and only after you have had multiple failed attempts at trying to get off your drug of choice by both cold turkey and tapering methods of quitting!

                You have two options? Cold turkey or a slow taper? Cold turkey is the fastest but also the most uncomfortable, you've done it before so you know what to expect? Tapering on the other hand is a very slow process but if you have the will power and discipline to stick to a taper then you can get off the oxy with little to no discomfort at all? If you decide to go cold turkey then I suggest that you use the Thomas Recipe for opiate withdrawal, here's a direct link - https://forum.drugs.com/featured-con...ent-35169.html

                If you would like to taper then plan on making 10-15% reductions every week. Keep track of the taper on paper (very important)! Write down the day and date with the dosage amount and time? If you are at 60mg/day right now then you can immediately reduce your daily dosage to 50-55mg/day, stay at that dose for a week then rinse and repeat? Like I said, this is a very slow process! The whole point of a taper is to avoid or at least minimize withdrawal symptoms!

                For long-term sobriety it is advised to get and stay involved in a twelve step program and/or drug addiction counseling? What are your thoughts/concerns going forward from here? Update when you can? Best of luck to you... God bless us all!

                PS
                I would personally hold off on saying anything to your doctor for now. You can always address this later after you are clean?
                Last edited by Anonymous; 08-18-2019, 12:44 PM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hi Ricky,

                  My tabs are brown with 30 them. If says OxyContin. They are slow release.
                  Okay, I would like to taper. I was very uncomfortable CT with diarrhea and my legs hurt so bad. I do like the previous post idea cutting a bit then maybe going CT.

                  I have had a long relationship with my doctor and I know besides cutting me off, he’d be disappointed.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    As for NA, I will commit to a program but I will be honest I’m scared and embarrassed. I hold somewhat of a prominent position in my community. My ex husband would love a chance to bite as I have full custody. Is it really anonymous? Ricky, I do believe I relapsed last time was the loneliness and feeling horrible for my behavior.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Kl372019 View Post
                      Okay. I was really worried about the NA problem the first time. Yes, I do have a script.
                      So. Should I start now or wait?
                      As for doses. I cut the 30’s and take half anywhere from every 4-6 hours. I want to go cold turkey but I didn’t do much studying CT and it was horrible. I wanted to quit but it was like I’ve always gone 2 days, keep going.
                      My next opportunity to go CT would be next Friday. Kids are home from school and no work.
                      I also found an NA at a local church. We live in such a small town I’m sure I’ll run into someone but I’m ready to be free. Free!!!! How do I tell my doctor I betrayed his trust and abused my meds?
                      NA/AA is not my thing so i cant answer much on it. I do know they ask that you dont come ‘high’ but in your case you have a script and dont seem to be chasing the dragon with it. Have you always taken it as prescribed? I assumed so at first because you didnt mention running out early. If you arent taking more than prescribed then you should know that you arent betraying your doctor - getting dependent on oxy happens to everyone who takes it for an extended period of time. Dont be so hard on yourself!

                      I recommend a slow taper to get your daily dosage down as much as you can.. stopping from even 20-30mg a day will be easier than stopping from 60-80mg a day! Stopping from 5-10mg is most ideal! Ricky’s suggestion to cut out 5-10mg from your daily dose each week is a good one!

                      Also - i didnt address this in my first post but you are not a failure! We’ve only failed when we’ve stopped trying to get clean.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I don’t run out and I typically (usually) take it as prescribed but sometimes I take it when I don’t need too. No pain or anything. Just for energy or to not feel sick. I keep getting my script bx of the withdrawal. Missing even a dose makes me sweat and feel nauseous.

                        I read on here that someone used tramadol and they had no symptoms. I could ask my PCP for a script if I tell him I’m getting off. But I think the same post Ricky you said I’d just be substituting one addiction for the other.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Kl372019 View Post
                          Hi Ricky,

                          My tabs are brown with 30 them. If says OxyContin. They are slow release.
                          Okay, I would like to taper. I was very uncomfortable CT with diarrhea and my legs hurt so bad. I do like the previous post idea cutting a bit then maybe going CT.

                          I have had a long relationship with my doctor and I know besides cutting me off, he’d be disappointed.

                          My bad, I didn't realize that oxycontin came in a 30mg dose, I thought it skipped 30mg and went from 20mg to 40mg and so on? Nevertheless, we can certainly help you taper! You need to keep track of your taper as I mentioned in the last post. Stick to the same taper schedule (dosing times) everyday! For now, do not adjust your first or last dose of the day, you'll do your reductions in the middle. We need to know exactly how much oxy (milligrams) you are taking per day? You said you are dosing every 4-6 hours, whichever you choose you need to stay consistent so pick one and stick to it?

                          It's still my strong opinion to keep everything hush hush with the doctor, at least for now. They definitely do not want their patients to adjust their medication on their own! In my experience, most doctors are not very knowledgeable about proper tapering of medications, especially opiates! They'll usually will taper patients too fast and when that happens you will be in a constant state of mild withdrawal. You need to taper slowly to be as comfortable as possible! If you taper slow enough it is possible to avoid withdrawal symptoms all together! There's not going to be much of a difference if you cold turkey off of 60mg/day or 30mg/day so it will be in your best interest to taper all the way down to zero or as close to zero as possible? You can adjust the taper faster or slower depending on how you are feeling?

                          It is true that most people can not taper! But, if you have patience and will power tapering is definitely the way to go!

                          Answer all the questions from above and we'll go from there? God bless us all!

                          PS
                          Absolutely DO NOT use tramadol! If you want something that will help with withdrawals then you could ask your doctor for clonidine? Clonidine is a blood pressure medication that has been used for years "off label" for opiate withdrawals! But if you are tapering slow enough there will be no need for it!
                          Last edited by Anonymous; 08-18-2019, 02:20 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            It doesnt sound like you abuse or betray your doctor at all, so no shame should be had there. And you shouldnt be embarrassed, this is just the ugly nature of opiates! Tramadol is also a narcotic, though its a synthetic opiate. I wouldnt recommend switching!

                            The only reason you may want to mention tapering to your doctor is so he/she could prescribe comfort meds. These could be a benzo like klonopin or xanax, gabapentin and/or clonidine. Benzos are addictive and should only be used short term (like 10 days or less). Gabapentin is a painkiller but not a narcotic. Helps a lot with symptoms. Clonidine is a blood pressure med that helps the physical symptoms a lot!

                            Unfortunately there is no miracle drug or supplement out there that completely rids the bad parts of withdrawal but those 3 medicines seem to help a lot. The other option is using over the counter supplements but these only help mitigate symptoms and lessen the detox time - they will not keep the symptoms away. These include: magnesium and potassium for restless legs. Amino acid supplement for brain and muscle repair/recovery. Valerian root or kava root for anxiety. Excedrin for headaches. Ibuprofen/naproxen for body and muscle pain. L-tyrosine and vitamin b6/b12 for energy.. melatonin always helped me for sleep as well. Immodium for the runny stools and stomach issues.

                            These are things that will help with your taper and your jump!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Sorry for the late response. I know I used them when I didn’t feel pain and I know that’s wrong. I think I actually want to CT. The idea of feeling sick constantly doesn’t sound appealing. So with that being said, what should I ask my pcp for. I have clonanazpam but I have anxiety.
                              No tramadol. I looked at the list. Bought vitamins, drinks and for me alerted my sitter I may need her. I so scared UGH! Hate withdrawals!!!!!
                              I’ll come here every day’ please someone respond to motivate me. I’m going to go CT Wednesday night. Have to get my daughter and son through some appts. Anyone else stopping? We could do it together

                              Comment

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