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  • Please help? I have been pain killers for 13 years. Scared to QT.

    Hello. A little background about me and my addiction.

    It all started thirteen years ago due to stomach pain. Went thru all the tests and finally diagnosed with IBS. My doctor first prescribed Panlor but it wasn't long before that wasn't working so increased to Norco 10mg. 3 X day. A year later I began hurting all over and got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. (It was probably withdrawal but I was naive and guess my doctor was too.) So, when they weren't working increased to Percocet. Mind you all these years I was also on daily benzos (Xanax, then Klonopin, Ativan, and finally Valium due to sudden death of son and domestic battery) Low doses but still daily intake. I had no idea about the benzos. I was finally cut off both by my doctor when I failed my drug test. (Percocets didn't seem to be "working" anymore, so I tried a hydrocodone that had been prescribed by a dentist) Needless, to say, I was tested two days later at my Drs. appt. He cut me off everything right then. Well luckily my boyfriend got prescribed Oxycodone 4 x 20 mgs. per day and only takes one per day, leaving me 60mg, although I only needed 40mg. But you know how it is. Well I will say it did nothing for my benzo withdrawal which was a living hell for the first year.

    It has been two years and still suffer insomnia, anxiety and panic attacks and all kinds of weird tingling/burning skin all over and other things, but it is slowly happening less and less.

    Now on to my current problem. I tapered down to 20mg. of Oxycodone over the past year or so. I got sick of feeling like I was wading in concrete when I walked and achey all over with depression, so I have recently (past two months) increased to around 30mg. a day. Well, we all know where this is heading. I have to stop.

    It is sooo bad. I divide my pills up and take it every two or three hours just to feel normal. If I don't do it this way, I start feeling withdrawal really quick. I even have to get up twice during the night just to get out of withdrawal, so I can sleep. Even then, I still wake up in horrible withdrawal. This has been going on for TWO YEARS. I have NO LIFE anymore. My whole days and nights are consumed with the pills. Clock watching has become my favorite pastime. NOT! Sometimes, I even fantasize about being in a coma and waking up addiction free. Pretty messed up, huh? But the addict in me wants the easy way out which is not going to happen.

    I will be 55 the end of this month and feel like a total loser.

    I have tried dividing my Oxy into 5mg. pieces and taking it every 5 hours or so, but this makes me feel high which I don't want. I also am so afraid I will fail when withdrawal gets really rough with Oxys (my boyfriend's) right here in the house with me. He has a lock box (been there, done that). Just like the good little addict I am, I can always get to them if I really want to. Plus he has 200 or so buried in the yard! Unbelievable. Right? And of course I know where they are, because he recently had a heart attack and thought he might die, so he told me. I have asked him to talk to his doctor about going down to 40 mg. instead of the 80mg. per day that he is prescribed but does not take (only takes 20mg. divided) but he fears his doctor will get suspicious and cut him off completely. He is 70 and does need something for his pain. This leaves me scared to even try to withdrawal, knowing I will most likely fail. I can't go to a rehab (No money). The free ones just offer a bed. No comfort meds at all. I know I would walk out of there when the withdrawals started to get really bad. Lol.

    So my questions are: 1. Short of leaving my boyfriend who is wheelchair bound and has no one else, is withdrawal and continued abstinence even possible for me? 2. I also am so afraid of the horrible anxiety I know I am going to suffer. I went to a psychiatrist and counsellor for help with the Oxycodone withdrawal about a year ago. The shrink told me "It is illegal for me to help you", but prescribed me valium. Really? This after telling him I was literally unable to leave the house for 6 months due to benzo withdrawal? I get this filled every month, but have not taken one because of the trauma I suffered going off of benzos. So, now I have over 300 5mg. Valiums stockpiled. I know. I know. Just too xxxxxx-up to believe. I never did abuse the benzos though. I just keep them here for my Oxy withdrawal, which I keep putting off out of fear. I am afraid to ever take a benzo again. Do you think it is possible to use the valium for 3 or 4 days and not get a return of the horrible benzo withdrawals again? I just don't think I can go through that again; and don't want to have to take them daily again like before and risk having a cruel doctor cut me off cold turkey again some day in the future. Has anyone else quit long term daily benzo use and then only used them a few days without a problem?
    3. I also will most likely suffer PAWS due to the length of time I have been on pain killers. This scares me too. How long will this last?

    So this is my story. I apologize for the length. I just honestly want help and thought the more details, the better. Is there any hope for me?

    Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me. Everyone is so kind and supportive here.

  • #2
    Hi Reeray,
    Welcome!!
    First of all you are not a loser!! It took a ton of courage to post that!
    I'm on day 3 opiate free! It is possible!! I'm not doing too awful bad. I have bad moments but I also am having good ones. I want to like myself again and that is my goal! I'm worth it!! So are you.. Just have to want it! You're stronger than you think you are!!
    I'm sure more will post soon with more knowledge.. I'm just kind of able to be supportive as I'm in the worst of it. I wanted to stop by and give ya a little love.. Seems like ya need it!!
    xo
    Mary

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you so much Mary for replying to my thread. Wow! Day 3 for you. I know it has got to be rough, but you are doing it. I know I have come to the right place. Hang in there. It will be better soon.

      Comment


      • #4
        Anything is possible, you just have to put your mind to it. You won't stop, until you have made up your mind, that it's time to stop. As often as you are experiencing withdrawals, it might just be easier for you to CT now. It won't be as bad as you are expecting. Don't get me wrong, it SUCKS, but it is doable. I'm on day 22 today and feeling soooo much better. 3-5 days that suck, then it gets slowly better. And don't even worry about PAWS, from what I've read, it's a rare occurrence. Just stay positive and know that you will get thru it. Stay proactive in your recovery and you will be just fine. Wishing you the best!

        Comment


        • #5
          We have this wds thing in our minds
          So much worse than it is!
          You can put this off for ever.
          Or
          You can just do it!


          WhAt orther options are there?
          For me it was do it
          Or
          Live a life that was so
          Unfulfilling and awful!
          Not on the outside but inside .
          I wanted to die.

          Now > 18 months later!
          It is worth every
          Pain i
          Ache
          Sleepless night
          RLS

          To be!
          FREe
          Freedom Active addition
          Is amazing..

          My pain is controlled y e Cedric now!

          Therei snitching in this world that would make me pick up an opiTe
          Nothing!

          I think that is what it takes
          Being done!


          I will not use a pill
          No matter what!
          I am grateful to be here..

          I say it all the time
          A person dies every 8 mins from prescription pill issues!
          More thN
          >>>>>>nnn
          Cocainnne
          Methhhh
          Combined!

          Now is the time!
          Go for it!
          Rockin in
          Clean
          In
          2016
          Bette
          Last edited by Anonymous; 07-17-2016, 08:41 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks No more, I luv, and Bette. I am sure I have overthought this way too long. I know. Just do it and get it over with. If I relapse, at least I tried and will be more prepared the next quit. I guess it is all part of the process. It can't be any worse than what I am living now. Thanks for your replies. I just need to plan for my quit date and get on with it. You all rock and congratulations on being clean!!!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Reeray View Post
              Hello. A little background about me and my addiction.

              It all started thirteen years ago due to stomach pain. Went thru all the tests and finally diagnosed with IBS. My doctor first prescribed Panlor but it wasn't long before that wasn't working so increased to Norco 10mg. 3 X day. A year later I began hurting all over and got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. (It was probably withdrawal but I was naive and guess my doctor was too.) So, when they weren't working increased to Percocet. Mind you all these years I was also on daily benzos (Xanax, then Klonopin, Ativan, and finally Valium due to sudden death of son and domestic battery) Low doses but still daily intake. I had no idea about the benzos. I was finally cut off both by my doctor when I failed my drug test. (Percocets didn't seem to be "working" anymore, so I tried a hydrocodone that had been prescribed by a dentist) Needless, to say, I was tested two days later at my Drs. appt. He cut me off everything right then. Well luckily my boyfriend got prescribed Oxycodone 4 x 20 mgs. per day and only takes one per day, leaving me 60mg, although I only needed 40mg. But you know how it is. Well I will say it did nothing for my benzo withdrawal which was a living hell for the first year.

              It has been two years and still suffer insomnia, anxiety and panic attacks and all kinds of weird tingling/burning skin all over and other things, but it is slowly happening less and less.

              Now on to my current problem. I tapered down to 20mg. of Oxycodone over the past year or so. I got sick of feeling like I was wading in concrete when I walked and achey all over with depression, so I have recently (past two months) increased to around 30mg. a day. Well, we all know where this is heading. I have to stop.

              It is sooo bad. I divide my pills up and take it every two or three hours just to feel normal. If I don't do it this way, I start feeling withdrawal really quick. I even have to get up twice during the night just to get out of withdrawal, so I can sleep. Even then, I still wake up in horrible withdrawal. This has been going on for TWO YEARS. I have NO LIFE anymore. My whole days and nights are consumed with the pills. Clock watching has become my favorite pastime. NOT! Sometimes, I even fantasize about being in a coma and waking up addiction free. Pretty messed up, huh? But the addict in me wants the easy way out which is not going to happen.

              I will be 55 the end of this month and feel like a total loser.

              I have tried dividing my Oxy into 5mg. pieces and taking it every 5 hours or so, but this makes me feel high which I don't want. I also am so afraid I will fail when withdrawal gets really rough with Oxys (my boyfriend's) right here in the house with me. He has a lock box (been there, done that). Just like the good little addict I am, I can always get to them if I really want to. Plus he has 200 or so buried in the yard! Unbelievable. Right? And of course I know where they are, because he recently had a heart attack and thought he might die, so he told me. I have asked him to talk to his doctor about going down to 40 mg. instead of the 80mg. per day that he is prescribed but does not take (only takes 20mg. divided) but he fears his doctor will get suspicious and cut him off completely. He is 70 and does need something for his pain. This leaves me scared to even try to withdrawal, knowing I will most likely fail. I can't go to a rehab (No money). The free ones just offer a bed. No comfort meds at all. I know I would walk out of there when the withdrawals started to get really bad. Lol.

              So my questions are: 1. Short of leaving my boyfriend who is wheelchair bound and has no one else, is withdrawal and continued abstinence even possible for me? 2. I also am so afraid of the horrible anxiety I know I am going to suffer. I went to a psychiatrist and counsellor for help with the Oxycodone withdrawal about a year ago. The shrink told me "It is illegal for me to help you", but prescribed me valium. Really? This after telling him I was literally unable to leave the house for 6 months due to benzo withdrawal? I get this filled every month, but have not taken one because of the trauma I suffered going off of benzos. So, now I have over 300 5mg. Valiums stockpiled. I know. I know. Just too xxxxxx-up to believe. I never did abuse the benzos though. I just keep them here for my Oxy withdrawal, which I keep putting off out of fear. I am afraid to ever take a benzo again. Do you think it is possible to use the valium for 3 or 4 days and not get a return of the horrible benzo withdrawals again? I just don't think I can go through that again; and don't want to have to take them daily again like before and risk having a cruel doctor cut me off cold turkey again some day in the future. Has anyone else quit long term daily benzo use and then only used them a few days without a problem?
              3. I also will most likely suffer PAWS due to the length of time I have been on pain killers. This scares me too. How long will this last?

              So this is my story. I apologize for the length. I just honestly want help and thought the more details, the better. Is there any hope for me?

              Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me. Everyone is so kind and supportive here.
              Reeray - welcome to the forum! I see you left me a reply on my thread. Thank you but you probably didn't realize that my thread was from last October? I have been off the opiates and benzos for some time now and I'm doing good these days! Would Suboxone therapy be an option for you? Robert325 has a Suboxone treatment plan here in the forums that many people have used with great success! I only mention this as a very last option if you cannot quit cold turkey? If I read your post correctly you are taking 30mg of oxycodone/day? I think you could cold turkey with the help of the Thomas Recipe for opiate withdrawal? You already have the benzo and you could safely take that for the first few days of the detox with no worries of any dependence or withdrawal, but only for the first 3-4 maybe 5 days! The anxiety sux, it sure did for me when I was quitting opiates! I started taking Xanax and then I got hooked on that so I had to taper off that as well! There are some alternatives to help deal with the depression and anxiety that I can suggest when you are ready? As far as PAWS is concerned, it is pretty rare! Cat (a member here in the forums) and many others had used opiates for over 20 years and didn't experience any PAWS so if I were you I wouldn't worry about that too much!

              The only thing that really worries me about your situation is all the access you have to your boyfriends supply of oxy and your stockpile of Valium! We are here to help, let us know? Be well... God bless us all!
              Last edited by Anonymous; 07-17-2016, 10:27 PM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Your use is so low and you already go into withdrawals all the time anyway because of the short acting oxy (have to wake up at night to dose?) what you will go through in withdrawal is not nearly as bad as you are imagining (I predict). If I were in your shoes I would plan a few days for the "flu" and approach it like an adventure. This is so much more doable than you think it is. I believe in my heart that a large part of addiction is simple anxiety. We hear this story over and over again, people stay on the drug for years long after they want to quit because of the anxiety about withdrawal. The beginning feeling of withdrawal when a dose is overdue is so uncomfortable, it's like, how much worse will it be several hours or a couple days into it? And so we never go there, we keep putting it off out of fear. For really huge habits, yes, it is that much worse. But if you are at 20 or 30 oxy per day, pffffft. You can do this. Not to minimize it because the anxiety and anticipation is very real, but don't let the anxiety and fear freak you out. I jumped from that dose and yes I freaked myself out the first 24 hours but then realized I wasn't going to die. Didn't even throw up. Yes it's miserable, but not really anything to fear. The worst is over with in just a few days. You can do this!

                I don't know what to tell you about the stash of your boyfriend. He is actually an enabler of you. No I would not ask him to request anything of his doctor, his medical treatments should not get mixed up in your issues. If it were me, I'd say you need to ask him to be responsible for keeping his drugs away from you. Lock them up or whatever, but he is damaging you by giving you his pills, not to mention doing something illegal. He's in a wheelchair and elderly and needs his meds and is risking getting himself cut off by giving them to another person. Not good for you, not good for him. The whole dynamic here needs to change.

                Glad you made up your mind to plan the date! That's the spirit, and yes, it won't be any more miserable in total, than you already are feeling. It will just be longer hours of the same hints of withdrawal you already are experiencing intermittently and slightly more intense for a while. Go for it!

                I think the bigger problem will be staying away from it after the acute withdrawal is over. You surely have read over and over on this forum about the lethargy, low energy, mild depression. Your boyfriend's pills will be a temptation and you might have cravings for a couple months during this adjustment. I think you need to have a good plan in place how to handle that. You already know you can get them from the lockbox and where they're buried in the yard. You are at risk of using them if you and he don't confront these matters and come up with a solution where he successfully keeps them unavailable. You might need to get support from NA or AA.

                Oh PS your Valium question. I feel the same way about benzos, having gone through getting off them. It was much worse than opiate withdrawal. There is zero danger of me ever becoming dependent on them again because I get no high or pleasure from them whatsoever, and have zero craving for them, never did. I had only taken them as directed by the doctor to sleep and didn't know they get you so dependent. So after I got off them I did use them a couple of times with no ill effects other than unpleasant brain zaps for just a few minutes just the next day. So if you want to use the Valium to help you sleep during the oxy withdrawal, I think as long as you limit it to 3 days and no more, you won't become hooked on them again. But if you are like me you might have some temporary side effects that should be gone in a day or two. But beware, if you take them daily a week or more you could get rapidly dependent again.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Ricky brings up a good point. Suboxone might be a good way for you to go if you and your boyfriend can't work out the access problem.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Dear Ricky72 and ThisWeekForSure,

                    Thank you both so much for your suggestions and moral support. I knew I had come to the right place.

                    After reading your posts I felt so relieved that someone else understands the fear I have and has been through it themselves. It is so hard not to have anyone that understands how this is to talk to.

                    I have thought about Subuxone, but it is very expensive and I would like to try cold turkey first. I gotta at least give it one good try.

                    You read my mind about all this. You put in words, what I could not find the words to write myself, but I am not that great at expressing my inner thoughts. So thank you. The anxiety/fear is controlling me and has too long. The withdrawal can't be any worse then the strangling fear that I have allowed to build up in my mind. I read to many horror stories and searched for that ever elusive get-out-of-jail free card which, of course, is not going to happen.

                    I agree that I need a solid plan. Too many pills around to tempt me. I talked to my boyfriend about this. I asked him why he was keeping all those extra pills. He couldn't really answer that, so we thew them in a fire pit and torched them all this afternoon. Whew!! It was kind of a mind freak, but it had to be done. To be honest it kind of made my heart race. Lol. Anyway, any future leftovers he promises he will do the same with. So I think we are now on the same page.

                    I had to explain to him how hard it is during withdrawal and, the first few months afterwards, to have a bunch of pills around like that. I want to succeed so bad. Enough is enough. Waking up to take a dose in the middle of the night is just not acceptable anymore. Neither is being in constant semi-withdrawal.

                    You both really got my head clear on a lot. I can't thank you enough. I will use the Valium only the first 3 days if I absolutely have to. I have Valerian Root, Ashgandwanda, chelated magnesium, Vitamin B6 and 12, and L-Tyrosine. I also have Epson Salts, two heating pads, and a backyard pool. I live in the Southern U.S. and it is like 100° here right now. I got lots of other good stuff too. I have been planning this a long time.

                    I have not set an exact date, somewhere around August 10th will be D-day. I am so grateful to have knowledgeable people like you here at this site.

                    I will probably start a Journal here on D-Day, so I can have a daily record and get support. I know I will really need it to get me through it. I have so much hope and courage now thanks to you both. I hope things are going great for you.
                    ReeRay

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Dear Bette,
                      I read about the loss of your granddaughter while reading here. I want to express my sincere sympathy. It is so hard to lose someone we love so much.

                      I hope you read this, as I have trouble yet navigating this forum.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Welcome Reeray!!

                        Thanks for posting on my thread and I caught up on your thread... I too, will always have access to pills. When I knew I was done, I KNEW I was done, so when I'm around them... I know it is my decision to not be using, that I have control and I am not even tempted, even when they're right in front of my face. Bette was the one who helped me a lot with that, it was one of my biggest fears knowing I'd have to be around them, she also has to be around them and told me about how they don't even appeal to her... That's all I needed to hear, to know I can do it too!!

                        All of your posts make complete sense to me, I felt the same way about much of it, to me, there is nothing messed up about what you said. From the stockpiling, to hoping I would just wake up from a coma one day and had kicked my addiction while I was in it, and many even worse thought processes than that, like considering self harm or wishing I'd get a terrible disease just so I could have unlimited access to pain meds!!

                        I was so protective of my pills, more protective of them, than anything else, I carried around the majority (Extremely thankful I was never caught with them) but I also hid some in places all over my house, cause you know, just in case the pills I had on me were stolen or if I was to get caught with them and they took them away, then I'd know I'd have more to come home to. When I decided to got rid of them all, I actually had much more of a stockpile than I had even realized, I was 5 days clean when I got rid of them all and finding as many as I did, only reiterated to me how out of control I really was while using. I would spend every last dollar I had on them and was spendng thousands of dollars a month, neglecting everything important, to get those instead, even though I wasn't even close to running out of them!! The financial mess I put myself and my family in will take a very long time to repair, but I would much rather be here, seeing everything for what it really is, finally in a position to fix it, than to walk around in the numb fog that I did for 10 years.

                        I was also that person who felt like such a loser, I got to the point I downright hated myself and had zero self esteem left!! Those improvements alone, about how much better I am feeling about myself, in just 52 days clean, will never again be traded for a pill!!

                        The way I looked at my horrible withdrawals was I felt I deserved every single one of them, I faced each and every one head on, never fooled myself that it would be easy and kept saying to myself "wow if this is what happens to my body coming off of them, I cannot imagine the damage they were doing while I was on them" so for me, I learned a huge lesson from my withdrawals and in a very weird (maybe even borderline sick) way, I am kind of glad they were as bad as they were. I remember Cat mentioning to me that she had similar thinking through her withdrawals.

                        Have you thought about going cold turkey?? I also encourage you to get any and all the support you'll need to get through this, one on one, group therapy, anything that will help you reach your goal is what you need to do!! We're all going to do this our own way but as long as we get clean and stay clean, that is all that matters!! I was on a much higher dose than you and with encouragement on here, I decided to just go cold turkey after cutting down by half for only 2 days. I feel you need to do it the way that will work best for you but I will always be a believer in cold turkey since that's how I was able to do it!!

                        You can do this, I am sending you hope and I am also proof that this can be done even with severe anxiety and depression disorders!! I did not and will not take benzos for any reason, even with doctors pushing them on me for over 20 years, and now seeing how bad those withdrawals can be, I am SO GLAD something in me kept me away from them... That's just my thoughts on benzos!!

                        As far as PAWS goes and as others have been telling you already, it is very rare, its something that "could" happen and if it did it wouldn't be anytime soon, I know for me, my attitude about it is, oh well if it happens, it happens... I'll deal with it then and I'll fight through that too... I wasted waaay too many years and waaay too much of my life on those things already, I see that now and wish I would of seen it sooner than I did!!

                        Being clean is the most freeing feeling in the world and I will never trade that for a pill again and you CAN do it too!!

                        xo,
                        Trish

                        P.S. I've been posting to you while I'm getting stuff done and just realized the novel I wrote to you, lol!! Sorry about that!!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Dear Trish,

                          I apologize for taking so long to reply to your post. I have been using a mobile phone to post here. I wrote several lengthy replies to you yesterday, but they kept getting disappearing before I could push the reply button. I am, now, trying again with my laptop. Here goes.....

                          When I read your post yesterday, I just broke down and cried. Everything you said just floored me. The stuff about hiding pills everywhere and making sure you had enough when you went somewhere.... Then when you talked about how you had, had similar thoughts about a coma and waking up addiction-free, getting an illness, so you could have an unlimited supply, etc., it really woke me up to the craziness of this addiction. What I would do to get pills all these years. Worrying about running out. All of It has been crazy making. It was like looking in a mirror and finally seeing clearly just how horrible this addiction is.

                          You would not believe the relief I felt, just knowing that someone else had been stuck in this horrible cycle and got free. I have not been able to really cry in years. I guess the numbing of the pills? I want my emotions back, both good and bad.

                          I am so glad to have met you and others here who have welcomed me and given me their time and experience. I think I can really do this, knowing I will have so much kind and caring support here.

                          I plan to quit cold turkey on or about August 10th. I have a few appointments early in the month and then I should be free for a couple weeks. I don't know how people do this and continue working the whole time. I am a wimp.

                          Trish, your mention of illneses, so you could get an unlimited supply really made me think...Eveytime, I have planned to quit in the past, I would get really bad pain, i.e. shoulder pain, hip back, back pain, etc. This time my stomach has been bloating and swelling up like a balloon and the pressure is extremely painful. Now, it has dawned on me that all of this pain is psychosomatic. It is the addiction in my brain fighting so hard to keep me on the pills. Now that I understand what is happening, I can fight it. I can tell it to go you know where! Lol.

                          I am SO DONE! I am going to fight this demon with everything I have.

                          Heres to all of you who have "fought with the devil, got down on his level, but never gave up, so he gave up on You" Knowing that you have beat this addiction gives me the courage to beat it too. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and lending me your experience.

                          Well, I better post this before I lose it again.

                          Love and Light, Reeray

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Reeray View Post
                            Dear Trish,

                            I apologize for taking so long to reply to your post. I have been using a mobile phone to post here. I wrote several lengthy replies to you yesterday, but they kept getting disappearing before I could push the reply button. I am, now, trying again with my laptop. Here goes.....

                            When I read your post yesterday, I just broke down and cried. Everything you said just floored me. The stuff about hiding pills everywhere and making sure you had enough when you went somewhere.... Then when you talked about how you had, had similar thoughts about a coma and waking up addiction-free, getting an illness, so you could have an unlimited supply, etc., it really woke me up to the craziness of this addiction. What I would do to get pills all these years. Worrying about running out. All of It has been crazy making. It was like looking in a mirror and finally seeing clearly just how horrible this addiction is.

                            You would not believe the relief I felt, just knowing that someone else had been stuck in this horrible cycle and got free. I have not been able to really cry in years. I guess the numbing of the pills? I want my emotions back, both good and bad.

                            I am so glad to have met you and others here who have welcomed me and given me their time and experience. I think I can really do this, knowing I will have so much kind and caring support here.

                            I plan to quit cold turkey on or about August 10th. I have a few appointments early in the month and then I should be free for a couple weeks. I don't know how people do this and continue working the whole time. I am a wimp.

                            Trish, your mention of illneses, so you could get an unlimited supply really made me think...Eveytime, I have planned to quit in the past, I would get really bad pain, i.e. shoulder pain, hip back, back pain, etc. This time my stomach has been bloating and swelling up like a balloon and the pressure is extremely painful. Now, it has dawned on me that all of this pain is psychosomatic. It is the addiction in my brain fighting so hard to keep me on the pills. Now that I understand what is happening, I can fight it. I can tell it to go you know where! Lol.

                            I am SO DONE! I am going to fight this demon with everything I have.

                            Heres to all of you who have "fought with the devil, got down on his level, but never gave up, so he gave up on You" Knowing that you have beat this addiction gives me the courage to beat it too. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and lending me your experience.

                            Well, I better post this before I lose it again.

                            Love and Light, Reeray
                            Oh this hits home! About a month before my cold turkey... I faked tooth pain for pills. I was so dramatic and had only a few lefts... Anyway, I now have a pulled tooth and hole in my mouth from the missing tooth. Not even sure it was ultimately necessary. My ex works in the dental field and is trying to get me to get a replacement. I am on the fence. It's a reminder of just how low I would go for 20 Vicodin.

                            August 10th is my angel's birthday. She would be 9 on that day. I am asking her to send you lots of inspired strength and perseverance to kick this habit, Reeray!

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                            • #15
                              Dear SmilingStorm,

                              I am so sorry about your little girl. I know how deep the ache is in your heart. I lost my youngest son 22 years ago this month. He would have turned 29 on August 2nd.

                              Your little angel is so proud of her mommy, and I hope to make my little angel proud of me too.

                              Thanks for asking for her to give me strength to kick this addiction. It really means a lot to have support, especially from people I have never met. We all share so many things in common. Some sad, but some very happy. I lost a premolar to this addiction too, but it was bad. I suffered with it a long time, because I didn't want a gaping hole in my smile either. A bridge costs so much money, but I am saving up for one. (Probably take me several years, lol) I guess we can call these missing teeth our battle scars.

                              August 10th!! The battle begins. I hope to win this war the first time.

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