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  • Thanks for replying alex...and i agree about not dropping too fast...

    my plan is to cut up this 8mg strip into 4 2mg strips.... then i will have 2mg strips to work with (small tho)

    First 2mg strip ill cut five times which will make .4 mg doses

    next 2mg strip cut six times making aprox .3 mg doses


    and so on.... your rite tho i really just want to quit NOW....

    anyways i woke up at four am and no sleeping after that...been going thru old threads on here that the famous robert posted on....he was advising someone who was trying to skip ther .125 dose everyother day and kept caving in...who also was taking valium for withdrawals...robert suggested that she should take a little more valium instead of the subs...

    so now I'm confused as i thought benzos were a no no.... i still haven't taken any and still respect everyone's advice here
    ..just i am on the internet afterall and you guys are my main source of support for this particular aspect of my life...i simply cannot find this type of help even from the profesionalls in my life right now
    Btw about asprin..i am an alchoholic too i don't drink like i used too but scared ever since i learned alchohol plus asprin can be toxic

    anyway i made it thru withought any painkiller or benzo or even an asprin

    what finally worked is elevating my leg...it was that simple...even tho. still the restless legs but that's minor discomfort comparably...

    Today will be day three at .5 gonna wait a few more hours tho to take it...

    Jay

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    • @Kat

      ya imma try to stick to the plan...i remeber last year when i jumped from two mg and lasted 16days... all it proved is that i do have some motivation....but it was way too high a dose

      i honestly do want to do this correctly
      been on subs four years and other opiates more then twice as long

      its hopefully just the end of a long road....so wats a few more weeks i guess of tapering...
      i just gotta trust the process i guess....

      cause the stubborn part of me actually doesn't even want to take todays dose...and just go for it lol


      anyway..Ill try to take my time...just feels like a rollercoaster
      btw how are you doing with your drop?..
      i haven't checked anyone else's thread today as i don't feel i would be of much help.
      but am wondering how everyone is... well i think i may take today off work so i may be back in later

      hope everyone has an awesome week
      ..jay

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      • Okay so i know I'm posting a lot in here but i gotta get this off my chest:
        A few posts back i was mentioning how i was having a problem with AA and what not...so i finally worked up the nerve to bring up my issues with one of the guys (my supposed sponser sorta) and tell him i had a problem when identifying actual clean time and what constitutes relapse..comfort meds and what not..hell caffeine and smoking is abundant at those meetings and are drugs as well

        long story short i have half a year clean off my drug of choice and have no plans of future relapse....i still struggle with alchohol some but not as much as you would think

        anyways i called him so i can be honest and clear up any misunderstandings and perhaps admit i was wrong....come to find out.....this guy ended up smoking some crack rocks with some chick and hes in his fifties...
        ..I'm thinking in my head what on gods earth are you even doing hanging out with someone like that? For a peice iof ass or what!?!
        Anyways i just find it astonishing the level of guilt i had about second guessing the group but come to find out my instincts were spot on....
        I'm sure some of the guys ther are ok but i personally do not want to base my recovery on the advice of currently using addicts....
        I'm just frustrated with the whole thing.....I'm gonna try to give AA and the guys up ther a clean slate and forgivness..cause i have relapsed too in my days.....
        just frustrated...i normally try to distance myself from people like that but don't want to use it as an excuse to stop attending altogether

        honestly i don't know how i feel about this situation
        just wanted to get it off my chest.... i no longer consider him my sorta sponser...and don't think i have the strength to help him ya know?
        or am i being selfish?

        i just thought i would get everything all straitened out with the guys ayt my home AA group...they haven't given up on me but i feel like I'm giving up on them?

        I dunno...i gotta give this some more thought..
        confused...Jay

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        • Just so ther no confusion about what I'm saying last week i had plans to go to a meeting with him....he never came thru...said he fell asleep or some bs....he finally admitted just last week to smoking crack cocaine rocks instead of our plans to go to a meeting.... see my point? I dunno i ll stop posting about it just need to cool off....actually a bit ticked off about it...i mean this guy is super preachy to me about what i need to do and what I'm doing wrong...the audacity ya know....arite imma take a shower..I'm floored..asorry i didn't know where to go with these feelings...jay

          Edit..god I'm so upset i can't spit it out correctly...he just admitted all this TODAY...just a bit ago...this is aall about a what happened last week....but just now finding out the truth...ok i swear I'm done ..
          Last edited by Anonymous; 04-14-2014, 09:01 AM.

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          • Ok, well that one was a doozy. Unfortunately, sometimes the people we turn to for help have slip ups. I can understand your frustration since this guy was supposed to be your sponsor. I'd feel a little discouraged, too.

            Don't give up on AA because of this guy's actions. I can only assume there are other, more responsible members there who can sponsor you. Ask around. Try to find someone with some solid clean time - at least a few years. I noticed that you posted about this on Ruth's thread. I know she'll come through with some sound advice.

            Kat

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            • Hello, Jay. I am just on a quick break at work and wanted to check on you. I see your at day 3 .5? I hope it's getting easier? I am on day 4. It has been fine besides the lack of sleep. I didn't sleep hardly any the first 2 nights. Last night I took a trazadone and it helped. How do you feel? Did you end up going to work or calling in? I only have time to skim all the responses/threads right now so if you already mentioned it I apologize. Also, I know how you feel about wanting this to be over. That's why it's good for me to read here...we are in the same boat and I needed to hear Alex's and Kat's advice about sticking to the plan and not rushing it. Anyway, day 4 and I think I may give it another day to see if my sleep is better under control before I drop again. I haven't decided yet.

              As for your group/NA meetings....In my town there are lots of different groups. Maybe you could find a different group to attend?

              Ok back to work. I will have to catch up with everyone else later. Y'all have a good day.

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              • Hey, I thought I posted yesterday but I guess it didn't go through. About your sponsor...Brutal! Thats definately gotta be a blow right now. Someone your supposed to look to for guidance to be help you stay clean. He def jumped off the deep end with that. Can you talk to someone about finding a new sponsor and maybe just keep this guy on the side burner and befriend him. Maybe you guys can encourage each other. Seems your doing better then he is right now though, he probably needs you more then you need him. I couldn't help but laugh when you said he is super "preachy". I noticed something a lot time ago....usually the super super religious. I mean eat sleep and breathe religion, and try to jam a bible down your throat "the righteous" I like to call them. (And I can say that cause my grandpa is a preacher! lol So I'm not just poking fun being a hater) But usually I can tell when they are a past addict. Addicts go hard or go home in everything they do...that includes religion sometimes too. I saw a bumper sticker that said "God asks that we eat from the fruit of the tree of religion, not turn into a religious nut." Don't give up on your program though, they are all only human. Usually volunteer also just trying to do right out of the goodness of their heart. I'm sure he was really ashamed and it probably took a lot to confess that to you. I know its only natural to kind of lose that respect as someone you look up to though. Obviously he hasn't gotten it all figured out yet himself and is still very well in active addiction. Don't let it discourage you though from seeking that support. I'm sure you'll find another sponser, voice your concerns with someone and don't let it go until you do. I know this preacher from a nearby church used to be hooked on meth for years and turned his life around, so not everyone is struggling as hard. You get out what you put in I guess. Your sponsor made a big mistake putting himself around that girl, that was his downfall. I feel you though, thats frustrating. Don't lose hope though. Look for the success stories you will find them!

                Just to clarify? What day on you on in your wean? Day 4 at .5? Just trying to keep track to help you out. I second the sticking the 25% drops. I know your getting impatient. You don't know HOW many day I was like F-u-c-k this Im' jumping!!!! Luckily I'd chicken out an hour later and think Nm...I'll just stick to the wean LOL. It gets frustrating, (that's why they say the mental part is the hardest).
                Last edited by Anonymous; 04-15-2014, 12:12 PM.

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                • I can't speak english today also-don't mind me lol.

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                  • Good One-

                    "Struggles comes in waves, just like the ocean. They come over us and sometimes almost smother us, they might knock us down and even though it might be rough, we are stronger. They come over us, but they eventually always pass and we still get back up."

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                    • Thanks for the quote gettin it

                      i swore i wasn't even gonna post on my thread today...feel like i been a *Hot mess* as my girlfriends mother used to call me..lately

                      i dunno everyone can feel free to ignore my ramblings when i go off on my emotional tangants...

                      I'm supposed to be a strong man...not a crying wuss ya know

                      anyway yall are more then generous with your patience...advice and encouragment and i just want to say thankyou! Jay

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                      • HAHA. That made me laugh. I called myself a hot mess all through this taper. Not just a mess.....but a "HOT mess." Hot heartburny chest on fire mess..lol. Were all a little nuts right now so its cool. LOL We can all be crazy together. You can always tell when the tapering is making time tick too slow when we go on posting sprees...better to post though then take another dose though. Literally check through peoples threads who weaned off, you can see the posting turn from little check ins to stories LOL. Posting helps though thats what this forum is for. If people don't want to read how you feel weaning off suboxone perhaps they clicked the wrong link . They opened a can of worms if they wanna read the prescription abuse links period so thats they're problem not ours. Just remember the emotionalness starts to get better and better. "The mental part is the hardest". Just know its not you and your not imagining things, just the suboxone weaning process. You'll start to enjoy feeling things again though real soon. You won't just be sad, depressed you will start to feel excited, happy, extactic, syked, stoked, proud, relieved, accomplished...all the GOOD emotions come with the bad too. Remember you can't pick and choose what emotions you dumb. So numbing emotions isn't always a good thing. Gotta take the bad but you also get the good. You'll start to see what I mean. "Coming out the fog"...you just feel better and better.

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                        • Lol...its like you read my mind... it is like coming out of a fog...i was just thinking about my emotions...thing is i wasn't in touch with them.for so long...they kinda overwelming...

                          was just thinking in the past 24 Hours or so i been happy, sad, guilty, irritable, angry, scared, manic and now i feel content.... its something I'm not used to ya know.....and ya i post here to get it out.....

                          anyways I'm realizing that a lot of this is mental....up until now i only prepared for the physical withdrawals...

                          didn't realize i would tear up watching a telivision show...or get goose bumps walking in a dark room...or get excited to talk to someone....just things like that....


                          anyways i just gotta be a little stronger..and when i get a certian emotion i need to just kinda say to myself..hmmm now isn't that interesting...

                          the serinity prayer pops into mind too....

                          at anyrate i think I'm getting a handle on them..
                          i was just taken aback by how intensly they flow and cycle...it truly is something I'm not used to experiencing... suboxone nuMbs a person


                          at any rate...I'm ready to drop.my dosage again soon....

                          i have two .5 mg slivers left.... my next drop I'm going to .4


                          figure ill take .5 tomorro. Then
                          .4 Thursday
                          then .5 Friday
                          Then .4 for the rest of the weekend till i drop dosage again

                          its kinda different strategy but wed and fri are my two busiest days and the other days not so much

                          figure i started this thread almost a month ago and was at .8 then.... its been sorta a roller coaster but I am aiming to be at half the dose i started here with within that month

                          i think that's a solid goal and that way my second month here maybe will be a little smother sailing

                          or not lol....


                          Quitting opiates ain't easy
                          anyways that's my plan

                          jay

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                          • Don't feel bad my husband would make me cry at the drop of a hat. LOL I'd be laughing and burst into tears. It was strange sometimes. I think not only does Suboxone numb your emotions, but Suboxone withdrawal causes a roller coaster of mood swings.. so going from no emotions to the extremes. Its kind of shocking. Anyone remember that R Kelly song? "The storm is Over Nowwww!!! I can feel heaven, somewhere behind the clouds.." I felt like that song LOL. With the mania. Just like "halleluyah free at last!" It is kind of refreshing though the lower doses you go..the more you feel awakened almost and start feeling more and more happy and less bummed about the process. Esp since you'll feel more accomplished, you'll just feel happier in general. Hopefully the negative lessens and the positives start creeping in more and more! Just keep looking for the good in the situation. "Your feeling but your healing!" Oh and the once a pickle you'll never be a cucumber again...doesn't mean you'll be sour or your changed forever in a bad way. It means once you've been through something your not gonna be the same person you were before. Some people are hoping to be who they were before addiction but we wont be. Events in life change us. BUT doesn't mean you can't be a better person. Stronger, wiser, more able person and learn from mistakes. That's all that meant. No longer niave, no longer "green" and immature. Now were pickled LOL. But in a good way.

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                            • Originally posted by jayryan View Post
                              Thanks for the quote gettin it

                              i swore i wasn't even gonna post on my thread today...feel like i been a *Hot mess* as my girlfriends mother used to call me..lately

                              i dunno everyone can feel free to ignore my ramblings when i go off on my emotional tangants...

                              I'm supposed to be a strong man...not a crying wuss ya know

                              anyway yall are more then generous with your patience...advice and encouragment and i just want to say thankyou! Jay
                              Jay this is your thread so if you feel the need to ramble then I suggest you ramble away. When we drug and drink for years we numb our emotions somewhat. A taper often results in a mental and emotional roller coaster. A sub taper when done correctly usually takes most of or all of the physical WD so I guess the saying getting clean or sober was easy it was staying clean that is hard. That is where 12 step programs or therapy, forums, counceling etc come into play. You just started posting here a little over 3 weeks ago and you were at .8 and are close to being at .4 after over 3 years of sub use so you are doing fine taper wise. I read your post about the guy who was sort of your sponsor in AA and the situation with him but don't let that incident sour you on AA. My first AA sponsor was clean for 12 years and relapsed so it happens. I see where you posted to Ruth about it and she replied back to you so I guess I really did not need to point it out to you but just thought I would. I see where you and Auburn girl are both at the same doseage and talking with each other and that is great. When I got near the end of my taper there were a couple members here who were at about the same point I was and it was helpful to share with them. Be patient stay focused keep posting and before you know it the finish line will be right in front of you.

                              Alex

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                              • Hey Jay...

                                Just wanted to pop in and see how you're doing. You're doing really good with your taper and you should be proud for pushing through. I saw where you posted about some people you know who are still popping high doses of subs. Too bad you can't convince them to taper. Oh well, can't help everybody.

                                I was walking my son today in his stroller. It was such a beatiful day here in So Cal. I was looking around at all the trees and flowers...all the pretty scenery...and I realized that not only have I been in a fog for years, but my vision has been almost blurry too. I had the feeling that I couldn't really "see" all the beautiful things around me...as if it was all just a bit out of focus. (and no, I don't need glasses!..lol) I'm probably describing it wrong, I can't really find the right words..I just felt like what I was seeing wasn't 100% clear..if that makes any sense.

                                I'm so looking forward to getting my life back and not being weighed down by the chains of addiction. I often wonder what I'll accomplish in the future once I'm clean. There are so many things I've put off over the years because I was too busy popping pills and scared to pursue my dreams. I want to get my master's degree. I want to start singing again, which is something I used to do before pills. I want to possibly have another baby. I want to get in touch with spirituality. So many things...

                                Now I'm rambling and probably boring you to tears. Anyway, hope you're feeling well tonight. Sleep well.
                                Kat

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